No relationship is without conflict, but not all conflicts are the same. One key distinction is whether an issue is solvable or perpetual. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual, meaning they arise from fundamental differences between partners that aren’t likely to change. This means that no matter who you are with, you will always face perpetual problems—the key is learning how to manage them, rather than trying to solve them.

In this post, we’ll take a deep dive into the nature of solvable, perpetual, and gridlocked perpetual problems, and offer actionable strategies to help you manage conflict in a way that strengthens your relationship. Whether you’re facing everyday disagreements or deeper, recurring issues, these insights can help you maintain a healthy, lasting partnership.

What Are Solvable Problems in a Relationship?

Solvable problems are those that can be addressed with clear communication, compromise, and mutual agreement. These conflicts are often situational and don’t tap into deeper emotional or personality-based differences. Examples of solvable problems include:

• Household Responsibilities: Disagreements about who handles cleaning, cooking, or managing bills are typical solvable problems.

• Disciplining Children: While couples may have different parenting styles, they can often find common ground with open communication.

• Sex and Intimacy: Even sexual issues can often be resolved with honest conversations about needs and desires.

• In-Laws and Family Dynamics: Establishing clear boundaries and expectations can often resolve conflicts related to extended family.

The hallmark of a solvable problem is that it’s specific to the situation and can be addressed through dialogue. While it may cause stress in the moment, solvable problems don’t have deep emotional roots and can usually be handled with a practical approach.

Unlike solvable problems, perpetual problems stem from deep-rooted differences in personality, values, or lifestyle needs. These issues will reappear time and time again, regardless of how many times they are discussed. Common examples of perpetual problems include:

• Personality Differences: One partner may be introverted and value quiet, personal time, while the other thrives in social settings and needs more interaction.

• Lifestyle Preferences: One partner may be highly organized and prefer routines, while the other is spontaneous and flexible.

• Values and Beliefs: Couples often differ in their approach to finances, future goals, or even religious and political beliefs.

Examples of Perpetual Problems in Relationships

Perpetual problems are those recurring issues rooted in the fundamental differences between partners. These problems are often based on personality traits, values, and lifestyle preferences that are unlikely to change over time. While every couple experiences these types of conflicts, the key is learning to manage them rather than trying to "solve" them. Here are some common examples of perpetual problems that most couples face:

Personality Differences: Introversion vs. Extroversion

• Scenario: One partner is an introvert who enjoys quiet, low-energy activities like reading or staying in for a movie night, while the other partner is an extrovert who thrives in social settings and prefers to go out frequently, meet new people, and host gatherings.

• Why It’s Perpetual: These personality traits are deeply ingrained. The introverted partner may feel drained by too much socializing, while the extroverted partner might feel lonely or bored staying at home. While compromise is possible (e.g., alternating between social outings and quiet nights in), the underlying difference will persist throughout the relationship.

Organized vs. Spontaneous

• Scenario: One partner is highly organized, prefers to plan things in advance, and likes structure and routines (e.g., planning trips weeks in advance or sticking to a strict budget). The other partner is spontaneous and prefers to go with the flow, whether it's deciding on last-minute travel plans or handling finances more loosely.

• Why It’s Perpetual: These differences reflect how each partner approaches life. The organized partner may feel anxious or stressed when things are unplanned, while the spontaneous partner may feel restricted by too much structure. Both approaches have merit, but this will likely be a recurring source of tension.

Different Levels of Cleanliness

• Scenario: One partner is very tidy and meticulous about keeping the home clean and organized, while the other is more relaxed and doesn’t mind clutter. For example, the neat partner might prefer daily vacuuming or ensuring dishes are washed immediately, while the other is comfortable leaving things for later.

• Why It’s Perpetual: This difference is often linked to each person’s upbringing, values, and sense of comfort. The tidy partner might feel disrespected if their standards aren’t met, while the more relaxed partner may feel overwhelmed or frustrated by what they see as unreasonable expectations.

Different Approaches to Money Management

• Scenario: One partner is a saver, prioritizing long-term financial security, and tends to be frugal. The other partner is a spender who believes in enjoying life in the present and is more comfortable with short-term indulgences, such as dining out frequently or buying new gadgets.

• Why It’s Perpetual: Money is a reflection of personal values and comfort levels with risk. The saver may feel anxious about a lack of financial stability if money is being spent freely, while the spender may feel deprived or controlled by strict budgeting. These underlying values aren’t easily changed, making this a long-term, recurring issue.

Parenting Styles

• Scenario: One partner believes in strict, disciplined parenting with clear rules and consequences, while the other believes in a more lenient, nurturing approach focused on understanding and flexibility. For example, one may enforce strict bedtimes and screen time limits, while the other is more relaxed about rules.

• Why It’s Perpetual: Parenting styles often reflect deeper beliefs about authority, love, and the role of parents. While compromises can be reached on specific issues, such as bedtimes or chores, the core difference in how each partner views parenting is unlikely to change.

Emotional Expressiveness vs. Emotional Reserve

• Scenario: One partner is emotionally expressive, openly sharing feelings, offering affection, and needing frequent emotional connection and reassurance. The other partner may be more emotionally reserved, not as comfortable with verbalizing feelings or engaging in emotional conversations regularly.

• Why It’s Perpetual: Emotional expression is often a product of upbringing and personality. The expressive partner may feel unloved or neglected when the reserved partner doesn’t offer emotional feedback, while the reserved partner may feel overwhelmed by the expectation to constantly share feelings.

Sexual Frequency and Preferences

• Scenario: One partner has a higher sex drive and desires more frequent intimacy, while the other partner has a lower sex drive and is content with less frequent sexual activity. Additionally, they may have different preferences for the type or nature of intimacy.

• Why It’s Perpetual: Sexual preferences and libido are often influenced by factors like biology, personal experience, and emotional connection. While couples can navigate these differences with communication and compromise, the mismatch in sexual desires is likely to remain a recurring issue.

Time Management: Punctual vs. Laid-back

• Scenario: One partner values punctuality and sticks to schedules strictly, while the other is more relaxed about time, often arriving late or taking a more laid-back approach to time commitments. For instance, one partner might always be ready on time for a dinner reservation, while the other tends to be late.

• Why It’s Perpetual: This difference stems from how each partner views time and responsibility. The punctual partner might feel stressed or disrespected when the other is late, while the laid-back partner may feel rushed or pressured by strict schedules.

Conflict Resolution Styles: Direct vs. Avoidant

• Scenario: One partner prefers to tackle problems head-on, addressing issues directly and seeking solutions immediately. The other partner tends to avoid conflict, preferring to keep the peace or wait until things "blow over" before discussing issues.

• Why It’s Perpetual: Conflict resolution style is often a deeply ingrained part of how individuals cope with stress. The direct partner may feel frustrated or stonewalled when the avoidant partner shuts down, while the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by the direct partner’s approach.

Desire for Stability vs. Desire for Adventure

• Scenario: One partner values stability and predictability in life, focusing on building a stable career, home, and future. The other partner is more adventurous, craving new experiences, travel, and excitement, sometimes even at the expense of stability.

• Why It’s Perpetual: These differences reflect fundamental life philosophies. The stable partner may feel insecure when the adventurous partner wants to take risks, while the adventurous partner may feel stifled by routine or a life of predictability.

The reality is that perpetual problems exist in every relationship—no matter how compatible you are with your partner. These conflicts stem from differences that are core to who you are, whether it’s your personality, values, or lifestyle preferences. Instead of trying to change or "solve" these problems, the healthiest approach is to accept them and manage them with empathy, humor, and affection.

By fostering open dialogue and focusing on emotional connection rather than winning arguments, couples can navigate perpetual problems in a way that brings them closer together. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate these conflicts but to build a strong relationship despite them.

Unfortunately, some perpetual problems can become gridlocked. This happens when both partners feel stuck, frustrated, and unable to move forward. Gridlock usually occurs when there are hidden emotional needs or unspoken grievances behind the issue. Common signs of gridlocked conflict include:

• Feeling Stuck: The same argument keeps coming up with no progress.

• Emotional Disengagement: One or both partners withdraw emotionally, avoiding the topic to prevent further conflict.

• Negative Interaction Patterns: Conflict becomes dominated by criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling—the Four Horsemen of negative communication, as described by Gottman.

When conflict becomes gridlocked, it can feel like both partners are "spinning their wheels" without ever making progress. Gridlocked problems are dangerous because they can lead to emotional disconnection if left unresolved. Without addressing the underlying emotional needs behind the conflict, couples risk falling into a pattern of painful exchanges or icy silence, which can severely damage the relationship.

The truth is, no matter who you are with, you will face perpetual problems in your relationship. Whether you’re with your current partner, a past partner, or someone new, these issues will always arise because they stem from differences that are part of who you are as individuals. The key to a successful relationship isn’t eliminating these conflicts but rather accepting and managing them.

Here are some strategies to help you manage perpetual and gridlocked conflicts more effectively:

1. Acknowledge the Differences: Recognize that these issues are part of your relationship dynamic. Instead of trying to "fix" them, accept that they are normal and inevitable.

2. Practice Emotional Intelligence: Being aware of your emotional triggers and how your partner’s behavior affects you is critical. Emotional intelligence helps prevent negative reactions like defensiveness and contempt.

3. Use Humor and Affection: Gottman emphasizes the importance of using humor, affection, and even playfulness when dealing with perpetual problems. These light-hearted moments can help you navigate difficult conversations with grace and reduce tension.

4. Avoid the Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can escalate perpetual problems into gridlock. Instead, use gentle startups (approaching conflict calmly and respectfully) and focus on active listening.

5. Create a Dialogue, Not a Debate: The goal isn’t to "win" the argument but to understand your partner’s perspective. Having an ongoing dialogue allows you both to express your feelings, values, and concerns without pressure to reach a final resolution.

6. Seek Shared Meaning: Many conflicts arise from differing values or priorities. By finding common goals or shared visions for the future, couples can align themselves and reduce tension over time. This can help transform a perpetual problem into a meaningful part of your shared life together.

Acceptance Over Resolution in Relationships

When it comes to relationship conflict, understanding the difference between solvable and perpetual problems is essential. Solvable problems can be addressed through compromise and communication, but perpetual problems are inevitable and will continue to surface in any relationship. The key isn’t to solve these issues but to manage them with love, empathy, and acceptance.

By applying principles from the Gottman Method, such as focusing on emotional intelligence, avoiding the Four Horsemen, and using humor to navigate tough conversations, couples can manage conflict in a way that strengthens their bond. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict but to learn how to accept each other’s differences and build a relationship that thrives despite them.

Reflection Questions

1. Can you identify whether the recurring conflicts in your relationship are solvable or perpetual?
   Think about the common issues that arise in your relationship. Are these problems situational and fixable, or are they rooted in fundamental differences between you and your partner?

2. How do you and your partner handle conflicts that keep resurfacing?
   Do you approach perpetual problems with understanding and humor, or do these issues lead to frustration and resentment?

3. Are there any areas of your relationship where you feel "stuck" or gridlocked?
   Reflect on whether certain problems feel unsolvable, leaving you both feeling frustrated and disconnected. What underlying emotional needs might be fueling these gridlocked conflicts?

4. When discussing difficult topics, do you and your partner maintain a constructive dialogue?
   Consider how your conversations about ongoing issues usually unfold. Are you able to talk openly without getting defensive or hostile?

5. How well do you and your partner accept each other’s differences?
   Evaluate whether you're able to embrace and live with your partner’s unique personality traits and values, or if you find yourself trying to change them.